Jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it usually turns into one. As the wisest man in the world said, "Love is as strong as death, jealousy as unyielding as the grave; it burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame" (Song of Solomon 8:6). Jealousy is the natural counterpart of love; when you commit your love to one person, you want an exclusive commitment in return. Anything that threatens that commitment--whether it be another person, a hobby, a job or a circumstance--provokes jealousy. You want the attention of the person you love; when it is taken by another person, activity or thing, you are jealous FOR the one you love, and jealous OF whatever is claiming that person's attention.
Some jealousy in a relationship is natural, normal and healthy. In fact, there would be something wrong if you didn't feel jealous when some pretty girl started flirting with your boyfriend or some know-it-all guy started showing off for your wife. Possessiveness is part of the nature of exclusive relationships, and jealousy is a part of possessiveness. However, what often happens is that a person who is more prone to be jealous (due to personality, background or both) has a difficult time knowing when the jealousy is normal and when it is excessive. Excessive jealousy can cause significant damage to relationships, and can even cause them to end.
Fear, Worry and Paranoia
The first effect of excessive jealousy is that it causes continual fear, worry and even paranoia in the one who is jealous. If, for example, Mary is a very jealous person and is in a relationship with John, she might view every other woman they meet as a valid threat to the relationship. She could interpret a friendly smile as a seductive message. If John is an extroverted person and tends to be very social, friendly and witty with other people, Mary will probably interpret all of his normal friendly behavior as deliberately flirtatious.
Two things happen when excessive jealousy causes this sort of constant worry and paranoia: First, the person who is the object of the excessive jealousy (in this case, John) will himself become paranoid, because he will soon realize that everything he does is interpreted wrongly. He will feel trapped and baited--as if Mary is just waiting for him to mess up in some way so she can be justified. The second result is that the object of the jealousy will begin to withdraw.
Withdrawal
Let's look at another couple now: Teresa and Tim. Teresa is a fun, friendly, bubbly person. That is what drew Tim to her in the first place, and he has always enjoyed how bright, fun and social she is. However, Tim himself is a very secretive, withdrawn person. He is naturally introverted, and he had a lot of hurt in the past, so it is hard for him to open up. He would never cheat on Teresa, but he constantly questions her faithfulness to him. He reasons that if he is able to hold so much inside, then she probably does the same thing. So Tim watches Teresa like a hawk at every social function. He questions her about phone calls. He shows up unexpectedly at her place of work--not to say hello or bring her flowers, but to "catch her" flirting with male coworkers. He started turning down social invitations without asking her first. He wants her to quit her job and work from home, but Teresa can't stand the thought of being home alone all day. She loves people, conversations and excitement. She thrives on being surrounded by busyness and activity. The more Tim tries to close her in to a point where he feels comfortable that she can't hide anything, the more she withdraws. She started going out with her girlfriends by herself, just as she did before she and Tim got together. She walks outside to have phone conversations because she doesn't want him to overhear and ask 20 questions. She doesn't mention it when a new, male coworker joins the team, when she takes on a new project or even when she gets a promotion, because she feels sure that Tim will attribute any success to flirtatiousness on her part.
What's happening to her is the natural result of excessive jealousy. The very love that provokes the jealousy begins to be strangled to death. The more jealousy provokes paranoia, and the more that paranoia provokes control, the more the object of jealousy will begin to withdraw. Jealousy, in a sense, becomes its own self-fulfilling prophecy. It says to itself, "I know this person can't really love me," and it then acts in such a way that the person is, essentially, forced to quit loving in order to survive.
Help
So how does a couple step out of this cycle of jealousy? First, it is important that there be honesty. If there are past infidelities, lies or deception, the jealousy has a valid basis; those past mistakes need to be dealt with so the relationship can continue in honesty. Second, it is usually important to get a third person involved, whether he is a pastor or professional counselor. When two people in this situation try to talk it out alone, they usually become very defensive and the problem is impossible to resolve. The jealous person will interpret everything the other one says as pure self-defense arising out of guilt; the person who is the object of jealousy will feel that he is never actually being heard. Having a trusted, objective third party oversee these conversations helps.
It's necessary that both people learn to accommodate each other. The jealous person needs to get to the point where she recognizes when jealousy is excessive, and to be able to let those feelings happen without acting on them. The person who provokes the jealousy needs to be sensitive and, above all, honest and open with his partner.
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